20 Truths:  Retsu Unohana & Kenpachi Zaraki
by Vivienne Grainger - Bleach
Summary: The quintessentially odd pairing of all time:  sane person and star-haired maniac.  With bratty daughter.


Twenty truths about the relationship between Kenpachi Zaraki and Retsu Unohana.

Not mine, Tite Kubo's, not for profit.

Self-pimping alert: If you have not read "The Truth Be Told" first and then "The Voice of the Sword," some of this will make little sense.

For Lady Bad Luck, who was working on a "Twenty Truths" of her own, and mentioned the concept to me.

1. Retsu Unohana is serially monogamous. Kenpachi Zaraki is _seriously_ monogamous.

2. Kenpachi refrains from discussing with Retsu the possibility of the happily-ever-after he hopes for, because she doesn't. (She'll take happily-ever-after if it rolls around, but won't sacrifice quality control within the relationship to get to it.) He knows that if he doesn't mention it, they don't have to fight about it, which betters his chance of getting it.

3. Because he wants that, Kenpachi courts Retsu all over again every time they meet. This also betters his chance of getting what he wants.

4. As part of this strategy, Kenpachi leaves tokens of his affection (usually small packets of beautifully-wrapped lingerie) in Retsu's quarters. He would like to leave them for her in his quarters too, but Yachiru Kusajichi _knows_ that any wrapped package she finds there is meant for her. She didn't know what to do with the contents of a package left for Retsu, and brought the red velvet bra and panties to Ikkaku Madarame for explanation. –For a brief period of time, Ikkaku's complexion matched the lingerie.

5. Kenpachi asked Retsu to shop with him for a sheath cover his blade might like, since the blade assisted him in a critical purchase of lingerie for her. She blinked at him when he proposed this, and eventually made a recommendation in jest which he took seriously. He now sports a black-suede sheath cover with a long cascading fringe. It was necessary for him to punch one (but only one) of his squad members for shooting him the peace sign the first time he wore it in public.

6. The blade likes the idea of a decorative sheath cover, but feels that the fringe is 'waaaay over the top. Knowing just how far her idiot swordsman will go to please her tickles her more. She talks to him more frequently now that she knows he is willingly a fool for love.

7. The zanupakuto have a relationship just as do their wielders. Both relationships include sex, but so far neither has resulted in babies, tadpoles, or a set of kitchen knives which will instantly heal you if you cut yourself while using them.

8. When Kenpachi and Retsu are about to enter the Senkaimon, a brisk round of "You first" may take place, since each is very fond of watching the other's butt. However, this occurs only if they are dressed in jeans, as there's not much point to ogling a shikahoushou-shrouded arse.

9. Kenpachi allows Retsu to choose his western clothing for their forays into the Living World. He was quite mystified by her insistence that he wear that type of western fundoshi called "briefs." On the morning when he made breakfast wearing only those and his taichou's haori, that mystery got solved right there on the kitchen floor.

10. Retsu steers a wide berth around the boys' departments to get to the girls' area when Kenpachi is shopping with her, because he was wildly disappointed to find that they don't make "Iron Man" character briefs in his size.

11. Retsu's reaction to Kenpachi's briefs, even without Iron Man on them, has more than once resulted in a later start to their day than either had planned.

12. After they entirely missed an opening of the Senkaimon because of Retsu's reaction to Kenpachi's briefs, Kenpachi began putting his jeans on _immediately_ after he donned the briefs.

13. It wasn't much help. Retsu knew the briefs were there.

14. Kenpachi now gets up first and dresses in the bathroom on Senkaimon days.

15. It isn't much help. Retsu knows the briefs are there.

16. Kenpachi has considered boxers, but where's the fun in that? (Those of you who answered "In the same place it is when he wears briefs" have passed the test, and may be excused from the rest of the class.)

17. _Everybody_ in Soul Society knows that Kenpachi takes off his eye patch just before orgasm. Most would prefer not to have this knowledge.

18. Nobody in Soul Society knows that after the first time it happened by accident, Retsu began to insist he do so.

19. When Kenpachi realized that not only were he and Retsu enjoying themselves, but that his blade and Minazuki were metaphorically sitting on the foot of the futon eating popcorn and critiquing the performance, he moved his blade-storage rack out of the bedroom.

20. Nobody's told him yet that the nameless sword and Minazuki are not his only audience, nor that moving the rack didn't change _anything._


End file.
